falling in love

I will probably fall in love with you if you are quiet, and don't say much, and seem to have a thousand thoughts that never make it out of your mouth.

Or if you're loud and make good jokes that make me laugh, even just the inside-kind.

I will probably fall in love with you if you listen to the same incredibly-obscure indie music, or watch the same nobody-rents but terribly-brilliant films, or if you read the same rambling and whiny kind of novels I'm always going on about. I will definitely fall in love with you if you watch the same television shows that I do; if you listen to their commentary tracks; if you fall in love with the same sort of fictional and nonfictional people that I always seem to be falling in love with.

If we've met, and you're a little bit pretentious, and a little bit funny, and a little bit sentimental, then I'm probably in love with you. (If we've never met and you fit those criteria, it is an absolute certainty that I am in love with you.) I will never let on to this love, though. If you ask I will deny it to the end. I will disconcertingly, obnoxiously, rudely list all the other scores of people I am in love with as if to say, Hah! Quite clearly this means I am not in love with you!

Don't listen to me, though. I'm obviously lying. But I'm quite a good liar, so you will probably believe me. You might even feel rather hurt, and embarrassed, looking back on the whole situation in retrospect. But imagine how I feel — I've just openly denied my love! I've just publicly betrayed my heart!

If you act at all interested in me, I'm probably not in love with you. I'm probably a bit frightened of you, honestly. I probably secretly think you're a rapist. I probably have imaged conversations in which I tell one of my myriad soul mates how much you scared me, how much you creeped me out, and they reassure me by doing something that somehow makes me fall even deeper in love with them.

If you have a soft voice, I'm probably in love with you.

If you wear mismatched socks, or have glasses or a beard, or if you sometimes forget to fix your hair before leaving the house, then I'm probably in love with you.

If you play an instrument, or have ever created something beautiful, or adorable, or just incredibly fantastic — if you work at a boring, mundane, everyday job that you absolutely hate — if you have ever wished that you were a different person than the person that you are now — then yes, you guessed it, the statistical odds do predict that it is highly likely that I am in love with you.

If I've made eye contact with you, then I'm probably in love with you.

If I've avoided eye contact with you, then I'm probably in love with you. Or I think you're a rapist.