03 March 2010

things that are my life: AXECOP!

Ever wondered what it would have been like if, when you were a child, a twenty-something comic-book-artist had illustrated all the somehow fantastically imaginative things you were always sputtering about?

Yeah, this is like that.



Except, unlike you who probably didn't day-dream much past The Big Comfy Couch, this five-year-old kid thinks about vampire wizard ninja brothers from the moon. And weapons, lots of weapons. And pet t-rexes named Wexter. And cops who have axes. And then his older brother illustrates these mind-gasms and puts them on the internet.

AXECOP IS MY LIFE.

times three:

twins (or lovers):

26 February 2010

times two:

crossing the street:

24 February 2010

my new motif

may I not-so-proudly present:

RED FIRE-HYDRANT IN A SNOW-BANK



a journey begins...

21 February 2010

future thoughts

I need to work on being more attractive so that I can seduce a wealthy man into marrying me, and then spend my days doing what I enjoy - namely, looking at shit on the internet.

My nights, however...


Typical conversation in my future life:

"What do you do for a living?"

"Oh, I have sex."

"So, you're... a prostitute?"

"No, I'm married."

19 February 2010

things that are "my life":

-Sweden
-Herman Melville
-plain ramen
-sledding
-purchasing children's VHS tapes at Half Price Books

05 February 2010

I am the next Masaoka Shiki

CATSCATSCATSCATSCATS
CATSCATSCATSCATSCATSCATSCATS
CATSCATSCATS: meow!

- a haiku

REVIEW: Full Metal Jacket -- I freakin' love this movie.

Yeah, yeah, I know -- this is the sort of movie you're supposed to watch in eighth grade and then fall madly in love with it. And yeah, yeah, if I had been enough of a cinephile to have seen it the first time when I was fourteen, then I probably would have watched it about forty subsequent times that year.

But I didn't. I'm lame, and only just watched the film for the first time recently, but I freakin' love Full Metal Jacket. I know, I know, it's Kubrick, it's so cliché to praise his work, but Full Metal Jacket is part self-reflexive Vietnam flick, part chillingly stark military-school fare, and 100% kick-ass. There's a reason why it's in the IMDb top 250.



Sure the "duality" of this film does not "gel" completely. There's potential for a ten-page analytical essay on that issue. We go from bleak, suicide-inducing cruelty in suburban America, to the wisecracking adventures of some ragtag marines, shooting VCs and calling each other "turd." If you like jokes making fun of racists that are also, you know, kind of racist, then you'll like this. But that's what makes Full Metal Jacket so awesome -- it's a war film that makes fun of war films. And all kinds of war films -- the ones about hard life at boot camp, those covering tough times in combat, and a little bit, even, of those stories of that supposed veteran sagacity that comes with having experienced battle, through Joker's sporadic, retrospective voice-over. There's even a whole section devoted to camera crews interviewing soldiers and "shooting" some action. Full Metal Jacket is a war movie that is in no way trying to fool you into thinking it isn't one. And come on, guys... it's Kubrick, and it's from 1987. If you haven't seen it yet, then get your ass in gear, man.

02 February 2010

it's time to go grocery shopping when:

-you don't even have any ramen left

-you've resorted to eating condiments

-Kool-Aid powder is starting to sound like a good second course

01 February 2010

Dear Iowa,

Why are you so cold?


Love,

Erin


P.S. Do you know where a person could find some good winter boots?

31 January 2010

hilarious quotes, made even more hilarious by attributing them to the wrong people

"She's sensitive about her head because of the grease." - Maya Angelou, on Maya Rudolph


"Spending time with you is like having writer's block while filling out a madlib." - Mahatma Gandhi, to Gandalf


"It's my mother's birthday, I bought her a rug!" - Lindsay Lohan


"I don't know if I want to dance to a film about incest." - Ryan Seacrest


"If I ever find another Leprechaun in a bottle, he's going straight to the recycling bin!" - Leonard Nimoy

27 January 2010

oh, the places we'll go

For my screenwriting class/workshop, we had an assignment for which we had to describe -- in maybe more concise prose than I ended up doing -- this room on the first floor of the building where the class is held. So I did that.



The room faces its exit. It hums with the sound of the unseen soda machines next door, with the voices from the bank of nine televisions that nobody's really watching.

The room faces outward, like a non-room, like a non-place, like transience.

The bank of televisions, near the exit, near the clean, pristine recycling bins, near the unseen soda machines next door, broadcasts politics, the news, and commercial breaks. It broadcasts big, scary things. Things disconnected from the people in this room, sitting on the couches or at the tables facing the televisions discussing these things that they aren't really watching, anyway. The bank of televisions televises things upon which the people in this room can't really have an impact. Things outside of this place.

The bank of televisions says: Let me see if I can tell you something about osteoporosis you don't already know.

The people in this clean, pristine, ephemeral sort of place sit on synthetic furniture with spindly legs. Everything is on wheels. Nothing is stationary. This whole room could easily, effortlessly, no big deal just wheel out of the exit that it faces, but no one in it would bother. That's not what they're there for.

The television says: You could be wealthy, wealthy! It only takes a split second!

The people, seated with a certain uncomfortableness on these smooth, sculpted, plastic surfaces, do not wheel the furniture, or watch the televisions, or listen to the hum of the unseen soda machines next door. The people, they read or eat or go on their computers. And they carry out these actions like they have somewhere else to go. This is not a permanent place. People do not take off their shoes here.

Angled, modern windows sneak up corners and walls of this fleeting, transitory room, to a skylight, not hidden but unseen nonetheless by the people below. Balconies peak into this place, from each floor above, but no one is in them. No one looks at this room whether in or outside it. One head can be seen in an office window on a floor above, but it does not turn. It just rests on its neck, unmoving, a potted plant beside it; a coat hanging off the edge of a cubicle.

The television says: It slides, it toasts, it sees, it calls—it's perfect for you and you!

This room -- this is a place for passing through. This is a place on the way to other places. People walk by its doors and windows, but no one stops to gaze in or out. No one leans over its balconies. No one converses, or relaxes, or has a laugh. People cough quietly and then neatly, systematically pack up their things when they are ready to leave.

26 January 2010

I only feel inspired to blog when I read other people's blogs, and only then because I feel guilty because I probably have more time and are doing less creative things than those incredibly prolific people, and I can't even set aside a few minutes a day to type up some paragraphs that nobody's going to ever read anyway.

Here is a short film that I wrote/co-directed as a senior in high school:



I thought it was really bad at the time, but now I'm not so sure. Now I just want to get out there and shoot every little tiny script that I write, because it's better to have shot something not-very-good than to... not have, and spent your time reading about what much more motivated people have done.

I wonder if I could take out student loans to buy a camera...

11 November 2009

songs that are inherently funny to me

-"Private Eyes" by Hall & Oates
-"D.A.N.C.E." by Justice
-"Don't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult
-"End of the Road" by Boyz II Men
-"Just Can't Get Enough" by Depeche Mode
-"The Final Countdown" by Europe
-"Dust in the Wind" by Kansas
-"Two Princes" by Spin Doctors
-"Peg" by Steely Dan
-"Come Sail Away" by Styx