ABANDONED JOKES: An Aborted Stand-Up Routine I Found in a Folder on my Computer (I Think It Holds Up)

After Arrested Development was canceled, I've been having trouble finding a satisfying televisual replacement*, and so I've come up with some suggestions for programs that would satiate my post-AD needs:

The Michael Cera Silverman Program
Saturday Night Michael Cera
The Michael Cera Files
CSI: Michael Cera
Dirty Sexy Michael Cera
Little People, Big Michael Cera
Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Michael Cera!
Tom goes to Michael Cera
Law and Michael Cera
America’s Next Top Michael Cera
A Shot of Michael Cera with Tila Tequila
Michael Cera’s Funniest Home Videos
6 Feet Under Michael Cera
Michael Cera’s Clues
Michael Cera’s Anatomy
So You Think Michael Cera Can Dance?
Will and Michael Cera
Sex and Michael Cera
Michael Cera and Michael Cera
Michael Cera Montana
That’s So Michael Cera
Boy Meets Michael Cera
Michael Cera Pains
Queer Michael Cera for the Straight Michael Cera
The Big Comfy Michael Cera
Hey, Michael Cera!
Michael Cera Loves Raymond
Whose Line Is It, Michael Cera?
Clarissa Explains Michael Cera
Who Wants to be Michael Cera?
Michael Cera in the Middle
Malcolm in the Michael Cera
Fairly Michael Cera Parents
Ugly Michael Cera
Days of Michael Cera's Lives
It's Always Sunny in Michael Cera
The Whitest Michael Cera U'Know
Pimp My Michael Cera
The Price is Michael Cera
Deal, or Michael Cera?
Big Blue Michael Cera
The Secret Life of an American Michael Cera
Michael Cera House Wives
Michael Cera Talk with Sue Johanson
The Antique Michael Cera Show
The Busy World of Michael Cera
Teenage Mutant Michael Cera

Networks, your move.

*bald-faced lie

Pick-Up Lines You Could Use on Your Mom, If You Were Into That Kind of Thing:

-"I think sexy runs in our family."

-"I miss breast-feeding."

-"I've wanted to be inside you since I left the womb."





I really should not be allowed out of... or in the house.

hilarious quotes, made even more hilarious by attributing them to the wrong people:

"when it's true love, even a moment is enough, Taffy." - Airman Warlock

If Travis Bickle Used Pick-Up Lines, Some Pick-Up Lines That He Might Use:

-"You know what I think about you? You're scum. Do you want to go to a dirty movie with me?"

-"You have beautiful eyes. I'd assassinate a presidential candidate for you."

-"If you were a child prostitute coerced into selling your pre-teenage body on the street for dope money, and my presidential candidate assassination plans fell through, I'd totally kill your pimp/part-time-lover, and two other guys who were there, for you."

hilarious quotes, made even more hilarious by attributing them to the wrong people

"She's sensitive about her head because of the grease." - Maya Angelou, on Maya Rudolph


"Spending time with you is like having writer's block while filling out a madlib." - Mahatma Gandhi, to Gandalf


"It's my mother's birthday, I bought her a rug!" - Lindsay Lohan


"I don't know if I want to dance to a film about incest." - Ryan Seacrest


"If I ever find another Leprechaun in a bottle, he's going straight to the recycling bin!" - Leonard Nimoy