IT MUST HAVE HAPPENED: the Weeds writers' room, post season three

Note: this can only possibly be funny if you watch Weeds. Also, y'know: spoilerzzzz!


"Okay guys, so... last season we kind of killed off all of Nancy's competition, and then burned down Agrestic. Any ideas?"
"Well..."
"Uh..."
"Let's have Doug get his dick slammed in a drawer!"
"Yeah!"
"Yeah! ...That is funny, right?"
"Of course it is! It's his dick!"
"I dunno, guys."
"What's there not to get?"
"I just don't know how that kind of joke would slip into the cadence of the show. It's not a racist comment thinly veiled behind the fact that an ignorant character is saying it, and it's not Nancy having sex. I just can't imagine what kind of scene that would fit in."
"Well... remember in season one when Lupita makes that coffee table joke?"
"...Yeah."
"Well..."
"...Symbolism?"
"Bingo!"
"We've also definitely got to get Nancy being raped by a Mexican drug lord in there."
"Oh, for sure."
"I'm just glad that we were able to write out those black people. That dialogue was such a fucking chore. I got so tired of watching The Wire for research."
"Mexican's so much easier because we can just subtitle some Spanish shit and hope the grammatical inconsistencies come off as intentional."
"¡Sí,es muy bien!"
"The rape, though, guys? I love it, but it still seems a little bit extreme, even for the Showtime -- I mean, we're not HBO -- we love the sex, but we gotta have that consent! So let's have her get pregnant and move in with Mexy and have them suddenly 'be in love.' That ought to cover any viewer outrage."
"But we've still definitely got to have that rape."
"Oh, of course."
"And Shane should probably jerk off to naked pictures of Nancy he keeps in a..."
"...SAMMY DAVIS JR. BIOGRAPHY!"
"Yes!"
"And Silas should fuck a young mom who owns a..."
"...Yoga studio?"
"Well, they are liberal whites, but I dunno..."
"...Surf shop?"
"It is California, but..."
"Cheese store?"
"Boo-ya!"
"Perfect!"
"Mmmm, I could go for some Wensleydale right now."
"It's really not fair that Silas should be the only son having sex. I mean, what, Shane is like, twelve, thirteen by now?"
"How can we top the Chinese massage parlor handjob, though?"
"Dude, that was awesome."
"Writer high five!"
"Uh, guys, three words: gothic three-way."
"Yeah, baby!"
"We still got it!"
"Can we have someone shoot a bird somewhere?"
"Hell yes we can!"
"Good. I fucking hate birds."
"What about Dean?
"Didn't he move to Detroit or something?"
"Ah, semantics."
"Guys, guys: blackface."
"...A necessity in any comedy-drama."
"Let's also for sure throw Quinn in there somewhere."
"Who's Quinn?"
"And Celia should probably develop Downs Syndrome or a drug addiction or go to jail or get kidnapped or start selling cosmetics or something. Y'know, something for her to do since everyone hates her and it kind of makes no sense for her to be with them since they all kind of treat her like shit and she probably got some insurance money from the Agrestic fire and could have moved to Cabo or something by now."
"...Spin-off?"
"Celia? She's the dyke, right?"
"No, that's her daughter... but we could make her a dyke."
"Guys! You know what we really need?"
"What?"
"Alannis Morissette."
"Fuck yes."
"I don't know if she can play Mexican, so..."
"Bank teller?"
"High school English teacher?"
"Abortionist?"
"I can taste the Emmys!"
"We should throw Andy in there somewhere, too. For comedy or whatever."
"Let's have him get some money by fucking some lady who makes him pretend he's his dead brother and then buy a bunch of useless shit and gain a lot of weight and grow a unibomber beard."
"It's like you read my mind."
"I dunno, I love it, but the beard? Andy's no murderer."
"Oh, that's Shane, obviously."
"Obviously."
"We should have him kill some more animals first, though, so that people will remember that cougar thing we did."
"I fucking hate cougars."
"When he does kill, would he still be prosecuted, being a minor and all?"
"Shit, someone check Wikipedia."
"Well, does he commit the murder in California, or in Mexico? I feel like if it's in Mexico, we can get away with a lot more blood. Maybe some peeling off of skin. Those kinds of scenes."
"Will there have to be more speaking in Spanish? I'm really tired of using Google Translate."
"Can we get an intern to do that?"
"Fuck it, let's just move them to Seattle."