IT MUST HAVE HAPPENED: the Weeds writers' room, post season three

Note: this can only possibly be funny if you watch Weeds. Also, y'know: spoilerzzzz!


"Okay guys, so... last season we kind of killed off all of Nancy's competition, and then burned down Agrestic. Any ideas?"
"Well..."
"Uh..."
"Let's have Doug get his dick slammed in a drawer!"
"Yeah!"
"Yeah! ...That is funny, right?"
"Of course it is! It's his dick!"
"I dunno, guys."
"What's there not to get?"
"I just don't know how that kind of joke would slip into the cadence of the show. It's not a racist comment thinly veiled behind the fact that an ignorant character is saying it, and it's not Nancy having sex. I just can't imagine what kind of scene that would fit in."
"Well... remember in season one when Lupita makes that coffee table joke?"
"...Yeah."
"Well..."
"...Symbolism?"
"Bingo!"
"We've also definitely got to get Nancy being raped by a Mexican drug lord in there."
"Oh, for sure."
"I'm just glad that we were able to write out those black people. That dialogue was such a fucking chore. I got so tired of watching The Wire for research."
"Mexican's so much easier because we can just subtitle some Spanish shit and hope the grammatical inconsistencies come off as intentional."
"¡Sí,es muy bien!"
"The rape, though, guys? I love it, but it still seems a little bit extreme, even for the Showtime -- I mean, we're not HBO -- we love the sex, but we gotta have that consent! So let's have her get pregnant and move in with Mexy and have them suddenly 'be in love.' That ought to cover any viewer outrage."
"But we've still definitely got to have that rape."
"Oh, of course."
"And Shane should probably jerk off to naked pictures of Nancy he keeps in a..."
"...SAMMY DAVIS JR. BIOGRAPHY!"
"Yes!"
"And Silas should fuck a young mom who owns a..."
"...Yoga studio?"
"Well, they are liberal whites, but I dunno..."
"...Surf shop?"
"It is California, but..."
"Cheese store?"
"Boo-ya!"
"Perfect!"
"Mmmm, I could go for some Wensleydale right now."
"It's really not fair that Silas should be the only son having sex. I mean, what, Shane is like, twelve, thirteen by now?"
"How can we top the Chinese massage parlor handjob, though?"
"Dude, that was awesome."
"Writer high five!"
"Uh, guys, three words: gothic three-way."
"Yeah, baby!"
"We still got it!"
"Can we have someone shoot a bird somewhere?"
"Hell yes we can!"
"Good. I fucking hate birds."
"What about Dean?
"Didn't he move to Detroit or something?"
"Ah, semantics."
"Guys, guys: blackface."
"...A necessity in any comedy-drama."
"Let's also for sure throw Quinn in there somewhere."
"Who's Quinn?"
"And Celia should probably develop Downs Syndrome or a drug addiction or go to jail or get kidnapped or start selling cosmetics or something. Y'know, something for her to do since everyone hates her and it kind of makes no sense for her to be with them since they all kind of treat her like shit and she probably got some insurance money from the Agrestic fire and could have moved to Cabo or something by now."
"...Spin-off?"
"Celia? She's the dyke, right?"
"No, that's her daughter... but we could make her a dyke."
"Guys! You know what we really need?"
"What?"
"Alannis Morissette."
"Fuck yes."
"I don't know if she can play Mexican, so..."
"Bank teller?"
"High school English teacher?"
"Abortionist?"
"I can taste the Emmys!"
"We should throw Andy in there somewhere, too. For comedy or whatever."
"Let's have him get some money by fucking some lady who makes him pretend he's his dead brother and then buy a bunch of useless shit and gain a lot of weight and grow a unibomber beard."
"It's like you read my mind."
"I dunno, I love it, but the beard? Andy's no murderer."
"Oh, that's Shane, obviously."
"Obviously."
"We should have him kill some more animals first, though, so that people will remember that cougar thing we did."
"I fucking hate cougars."
"When he does kill, would he still be prosecuted, being a minor and all?"
"Shit, someone check Wikipedia."
"Well, does he commit the murder in California, or in Mexico? I feel like if it's in Mexico, we can get away with a lot more blood. Maybe some peeling off of skin. Those kinds of scenes."
"Will there have to be more speaking in Spanish? I'm really tired of using Google Translate."
"Can we get an intern to do that?"
"Fuck it, let's just move them to Seattle."

READ THIS: David Boring (Daniel Clowes, 2000)

The above frame, one of my favorite from Daniel Clowes' David Boring, sums up very nicely the tone of the piece. The eponymous David Boring is very much alone in this life, as he deals with sexual frustration and the end of the world, and seeks both his father and the perfect girl.

With David Boring, Daniel Clowes utilizes the graphic novel at its best: not as a novel illustrated with pictures, or as pictures captioned with words, but a story told both in writing and drawing, the narrative not complete if either element were missing. It's also quite good -- touching, funny, at times even suspenseful -- and you should probably get on reading it right now.

THAT'S WHAT HE SAID: Jonathan Ames, as interviewed by The A.V. Club

AVC: Why do you think so many people have become obsessed with vampires lately?

JA: I don’t know. There must be some witty one-line answer. I guess immortality is always appealing. They’re usually very good-looking and given all sorts of powers, and they’re sexy. I don’t know. It’s a combination of being immortal and sexy. I’d like to be immortal and sexy, so I’m into vampires. In True Blood, I also like the characters that turn into dogs. I would like to turn into a dog.




So would I, Jonathan Ames, so would I. Read the rest of the interview here and watch Bored to Death when the second season premieres on September 26th. Yee-haw!

like a webcomic, but with less of the comic part

So the other day I went to the grocery store.

Not speaking to (and thus having to avoid all eye-contact with) the checker is somehow actually more painful than engaging in small talk, so I usually try to disperse a little of the uncomfortableness by going ahead and asking them how their day has been going. This checker answered like they usually do:

"Oh, good. What about you?"
"Fine."
"Just fine?"
"Yeah, fine."

BEEP BEEP, she scanned some shit. Things were going pretty good, the conversation dragging along at a fairly normal pace. It was hardly even awkward. Then she scanned my cabbage.

"Cabbage?"

And I, having been vaguely daydreaming about this checker-customer relationship blossoming into a beautiful little friendship, replete with Secret Santa gift exchanges and trips to the waterpark, misinterpreted the degree of playfulness in our conversation.

"Yeah, I like cabbage, okay," I replied, my tone appending such angst-ridden, semi-sarcastic annotations as: you gotta problem with that? and it's not a crime, man.

The checker just stared.


"Oh... no, I just can't tell the difference between cabbage and lettuce. I wasn't making fun of your cabbage."
"Oh, uh..."
"It's hard to tell."
"Oh, uh, yeah. If you eat a lot of cabbage you start to be able to tell. Cabbage and lettuce are actually really not that similar looking."

BEEP.

"I mean they are, but... cabbage is, uh, green."

BEEP.

"And, uh, less lettuce-y."

BEEP. BEEP.

"It's pretty great, cabbage. Cabbage is kind of awesome. It's one of my favorite foods. You should really eat it more often. I heard it's on sale or something."
"That'll be $21.52, Ma'am."

like a webcomic, but colored with crayons

like a webcomic, but one panel long and very big on text

I don't know how to draw legs.

(You can see the original here, ideal for those who love trying to decipher delightfully illegible chirography.)

REVIEW: How I Met Your Mother, S06E01

The first episode of the sixth season of How I Met Your Mother perfectly sums up the boring predictability of the last two seasons (end already!). It takes place almost entirely in one scene at the bar, in one booth, with some lackluster "riddles" that Barney tells as the "highlights," joke-wise.

Basically:

Barney bemoans summer's end, then oggles some girls again.

Robin looks gross eating cheetos, then "hot," titillating Barney's wein-o.

Ted does not meet the mother.

Lily and Marshall love each other... awwwwwww.



(How I miss the Proclaimers references!)

PROBABLY MY SOULMATE: the guy dressed up as Howard T.J. Moon and pretending to play the trumpet in the Mighty Boosh Live backstage featurette

I'd be the Indian Wife to his Tom Selleck any day.

THE LITTLE THINGS: Nathan Barley (continued!)

Christopher Morris is possibly the only filmmaker for whom obsessive pausing is just as lucrative during re-watches.

(Also some of this shit was impossible to see without going frame-by-frame.)



(S01E01)



(S01E01)



(S01E02)



(S01E03)



(S01E04 and pilot)

You know what makes this somehow even better? These books fracking exist.

things that are "my life":

-Finland
-Bill Haverchuck
-Julian Barratt's moustache

THE LITTLE THINGS: Party Down, S02E08

I'm all "sad face" about the cancellation, but most of the second season was pretty shaky, and at least the show ended with an amazing, oh my god I need to watch Adventureland and Freaks and Geeks and Parks & Rec and Knocked Up and Veronica Mars and The State and everything everything the cast has ever been in except for Glee because oh my fucking Jesus this is that good kind of finale, instead of having a slumpy third season that I stop watching mid-way through and dissuades me from ever re-watching the first two.

The only worry is whether Martin Starr will get regular work in the near future, because how can I live without any new Bill in my life??!

(I'm gonna go ahead and hazard a supposition that it would be a lot like that hypothesized third season scenario above. So I guess I'd have to find something to do with those freed-up ten hours a year. I'm gonna go with watercoloring.)

THE LITTLE THINGS: Eagle vs Shark (Taika Waititi, 2007)

This level of character background detail is why I love this movie.

(Well, y'know, among other things.)

THE LITTLE THINGS: Rentaghost, S01E01 (1976)

THE LITTLE THINGS: My Wrongs #8245-8249 & 117 (Christsopher Morris, 2002)

Christopher Morris makes me feel justified in my obsessive reading of credit sequences.







...But then again, no one else who makes credits is quite like Chrisopher Morris.

(Especially the people who did He's Just Not In You, and I took the time/willpower to watch that all the way to the end.)

THE LITTLE THINGS: Spun (Jonas Åkerlund, 2002)

...Speaking of meth!



(Cos it's about a bunch of tweakers.)

Yeah, the use of fonts in the credits is a little funny, but other than that all the film really succeeds at is making everybody look gross. Which I guess is good...?

THE LITTLE THINGS: Breaking Bad, S01E07 / S02E01

...And due to the fact that those were the only non-terrifying moments the series had to offer, I kind of had to give it up, for fear of developing PHSD*.


*Post-Hal Stress Disorder... who knew the dad from Malcolm in the Middle could play a character compared to whom meth teeth and cancer treatments are funnier...

THE LITTLE THINGS: The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret, pilot

The above background poster generated one of the few laughs I had while watching the pilot of The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret, David Cross' new series, slated to premiere October 1st on IFC.

The show concerns the eponymous Todd Margaret, an incompetent, somewhat dimwitted American. While temping at a sales company, Todd stumbles into a job managing a new British division selling the above-pictured energy drinks (because apparently American business executives think that British people love guzzling down thunder and muscles). Once in England, Todd discovers what pounds are, doesn't understand how anything else works, and kind of makes friends with an empathetic cafe owner/Catherine Keener act-alike (Sharon Horgan). Todd's one employee is an assholey British guy (Russel Tovey), who I guess got recast for the actual series, hopefully by someone less assholey. For star-power, Will Arnett plays a douchebaggy GOB/Devon Banks crossover, Kristen Schaal for some reason appears in the background of one shot, and Amber Tamblyn guests because, y'know, she's fucking David Cross. And though this pilot was directed by the Russo brothers (those masterful réalisateurs of some of my favorite Arrested Development episodes) and co-written by Cross and the British comedian Shaun Pye, watching Todd Margaret is not an enjoyable experience.

For one thing, Todd is just too stupid and ignorant, and not in the "likable dunce" or "naive foreigner" way that works for shows like The Flight of the Conchords. No, Todd is one of those characters you don't exactly want to see fail, you just... don't want to see. And the other characters are really not any better. Todd Margaret is populated by the kinds of British people you really only ever see in US portrayals of England. Even with a Brit on the writing staff, and the heritage of the cast (though even that is questionable, what with their Rich Fulcher-like Oxford accents), this representation of England called to mind terrible movies my sister likes to watch -- the Amanda Byne's vehicle What a Girl Wants, the Emma Roberts flick Wild Child (in which British people somehow don't know what cellphones are). Everyone in this England is either trying to make Americans look like dicks, or is a little bit slow, and a little bit too fond of their pints and tea. And okay, okay, I know, I'm not British, nor have I ever been to England, but I'd say I've watched quite enough hours of UK TV to compensate. Also, this show just really isn't funny.

So... I guess IFC thought the pilot was good enough for a greenlighting, but I'm not sure I could stand to watch another episode of Todd Margaret's antics -- let alone the six of the first season -- even for Mr. David Cross. You can watch the pilot and make your own call, but I'd advise just laughing at the above screencap, and then reassuring yourself of your love for England with a little bit of Boosh while eating some Spaghetti Hoops.