15 December 2010

THINGS THAT ARE MY LIFE: People Talking on the Phone

How do you know it is finals week?

Well, besides life repeatedly punching you in the face, there's always finding yourself, at four in the morning, looking at my new-favorite bloggue: People Talking on the Phone.

It's exactly what it sounds like:





Precisely why is this so appealing? Does it speak to some unconscious desire, some repressed telephonic fetish, some dial-tone longing? Really, I think People Talking on the Phone, in showing us images of only one end of these telephone communications, calls up that uncomfortable truth that we can only ever really know our own one side of a conversation; that in every connection we make, we are still truly alone.

Also most of the pictures coming from Twin Peaks doesn't hurt. And there's the fact that it's four in the morning.


PTOTP's author Allison Maplesden also has another blog, in which she posts ink paintings of female celebrities, based on images from gossip magazines. If you liked the phones, then you might like this.

14 December 2010

ERTCSJDHT: Story of My Life (& Then Some)

3 December 2010:

(My scanner was weirdly bad at being a good scanner today.)







Contenders for my laughs and place as Cathy's successor: Get Fuzzy and Mutts, respectively.

(Why is the comics page of two weeks ago mirroring my internal sentiments? What is this, some kind of Denzel Washington time-travel movie?)

11 December 2010

THE LITTLE THINGS: Election (Alexander Payne, 1999)

Election is one of those movies that I watched when I was about fifteen and knew was good, but did not quite appreciate its brilliance.

But it totally is - it's smart, it's funny, and it's about a high school student government election. As jaded as I've always been (I mean, I watched Daria in elementary school), I don't think a person can truly appreciate the absurdity of high school until they've left its hallowed halls. And goddamn man, people really do care about this pointless teenage academic bullshit, and Alexander Payne and co-writer Jim Taylor got that ridiculous kind of concern down.

Also there's some funny little things:



I hope that graffiti was just there. And that they chose that stall specifically because of it.



This is unrelated to the above screencap, but Tracy Flick's mom is Mrs. Vanderhoff from
Wayne's World - "I just opened my mouth and out it came." I like to ponder the possibility of those two characters being one, and how that would influence Tracy's upbringing.



For those too lazy to google,
Citizen Ruth is another Payne/Taylor film, about abortion or something, starring the lady paleontologist from Jurassic Park. Not entirely certain I would take the effort to go out and actually rent a movie concerning Dr. Ellie Sattler's right to choose, but I might torrent it.



Also, in addition to having directed/co-written Sideways, Alexander Payne is an executive producer for the show Hung - the guy's really got a thing for lonely high school teachers.

02 December 2010

ABANDONED JOKES: An Aborted Stand-Up Routine I Found in a Folder on my Computer
(I Think It Holds Up)

After Arrested Development was canceled, I've been having trouble finding a satisfying televisual replacement*, and so I've come up with some suggestions for programs that would satiate my post-AD needs:

The Michael Cera Silverman Program
Saturday Night Michael Cera
The Michael Cera Files
CSI: Michael Cera
Dirty Sexy Michael Cera
Little People, Big Michael Cera
Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Michael Cera!
Tom goes to Michael Cera
Law and Michael Cera
America’s Next Top Michael Cera
A Shot of Michael Cera with Tila Tequila
Michael Cera’s Funniest Home Videos
6 Feet Under Michael Cera
Michael Cera’s Clues
Michael Cera’s Anatomy
So You Think Michael Cera Can Dance?
Will and Michael Cera
Sex and Michael Cera
Michael Cera and Michael Cera
Michael Cera Montana
That’s So Michael Cera
Boy Meets Michael Cera
Michael Cera Pains
Queer Michael Cera for the Straight Michael Cera
The Big Comfy Michael Cera
Hey, Michael Cera!
Michael Cera Loves Raymond
Whose Line Is It, Michael Cera?
Clarissa Explains Michael Cera
Who Wants to be Michael Cera?
Michael Cera in the Middle
Malcolm in the Michael Cera
Fairly Michael Cera Parents
Ugly Michael Cera
Days of Michael Cera's Lives
It's Always Sunny in Michael Cera
The Whitest Michael Cera U'Know
Pimp My Michael Cera
The Price is Michael Cera
Deal, or Michael Cera?
Big Blue Michael Cera
The Secret Life of an American Michael Cera
Michael Cera House Wives
Michael Cera Talk with Sue Johanson
The Antique Michael Cera Show
The Busy World of Michael Cera
Teenage Mutant Michael Cera


Networks, your move.

*bald-faced lie

27 November 2010

ERTCSJDHT: The Comic Rule of Three

19 November 2010:

(I've had this paper hanging around my floor for a week.)







Plus bonus legitimately adorable and witty comics of the day: Red and Rover and Get Fuzzy, respectively.

22 November 2010

THAT'S WHAT HE SAID: Julian Barratt, to The Guardian



I fool myself into thinking I'm an atheist, when I'm probably a devout theist. If I was a total atheist and didn't believe in anything supernatural, then I wouldn't find horror films as exciting as I do. I'm writing a scary kids' film at the moment. I'm aiming for Donnie Darko, but it'll probably end up more like Rentaghost.


Here's hoping for the latter, J.B.

Read the rest of the interview here and be excited it exists because Mr Barratt hardly ever talks to the press. Also, pray to whatever theistic entity you pledge allegiance that these Chekhov shorts become available en-full at some point so that I can watch them.

21 November 2010

REVIEW: Extract (Mike Judge, 2009) — Pleasant, Vanilla Comedy

Extract, written and directed by Mike Judge (Office Space, King of the Hill, Beavis and Butt-Head) is a nice, amusing suburban comedy.

Jason Bateman (Arrested Development) plays chemist Joel Reynolds, founder and owner of Reynolds Extracts, and genuine lover of food flavoring. During work hours, Joel manages his plant and the colorful characters working there (including J.K. Simmons, Beth Grant (Mrs. Farmer from Donnie Darko), and a Matti Pellonpää-looking Mike Judge), and afterward hangs around with his wacky, drug-loving bartender friend Dean (a long-haired, bearded Ben Affleck in probably the only role I've actually enjoyed his performance). At home, Joel avoids his extra-neighborly next-door neighbor (David Koechner), and tries to figure out what to do with his sexless, though comfortable marriage to Suzie (Kristin Wiig).


Gotta see it to believe it.

These are captivating characters, replete with lovable little details (Joel's wife designs coupons for a living), and Mike Judge obviously put a laborious amount of time and effort into establishing exactly who these people are. I really enjoyed my stay in this cinematic world, but I just didn't quite buy the plot.

Mila Kunis plays a con-lady who drifts into town in an attempt to get in on some settlement cash after an employee (Clifton Collins Jr.) gets injured at the extract factory. Joel takes her charm for actual interest and with the help of some of Dean's drugs, messes up both his work and personal life. I really like Joel, and the fact that he really likes extract, and Kunis' performance is convincing and convivial, but I just don't think this is the story for Reynolds Extracts. No one really grows or changes as this movie progresses; it's as stagnant as Joel's sex-life. Kunis' Other character just doesn't feel appropriate for this meticulously-crafted world. We don't need her. The lives of these characters are already interesting enough.

As shown by his creative portfolio, Mike Judge knows about blue- and white-collar monotony, and what it's like to be part of a family (I've seen more King of the Hill than I'd like to admit). But the thing about movies is that they're only about an hour and a half long. Unlike television, in which characters can have seasons in which to grow and interact with themselves and with Others, movies only have that ninety minutes, so the plot has to be as good as the people in it. Extract is an enjoyable movie, a pleasant movie that I wish were a television pilot. I want to see more of these characters, but the scenario Mike Judge has presented them in is as vanilla as the extract Joel feels so passionately about. As a program on the tube de boob, without Kunis' character, Extract could be on par with some of my favorite television pilots, but with her, this movie feels like a mundane mid-season episode.

I know King of the Hill got canceled, and The Goode Family didn't really work out, but come back to teevee, Mike Judge! And this time maybe just leave the cartooning to Seth MacFarlane and try your hand at the live action stuff. You've obviously got a knack for it.

13 November 2010

Erin Reads the Comics So Josh Doesn't Have To

Inspired by the not-countless-but-too-embarrassingly-large-to-be-recounted number of hours I've spent over the past year with The Comics Curmudgeon - Josh reads (and hilariously mocks) the comics, so you don't have to - I've started reading the daily funnies myself. My university has a small variety of newspapers available for free on campus, and though sadly none of these publications carry the classics Mary Worth and Apt. 3G, now it's become habit for me to read the daily comics, and also to clip out the bizarrest, most wtf of panels, just for the record, I guess.

But then I decided, hey, why not do something with 'em?











So I did that. I actually don't have any scissors right now (only nail scissors), so we'll see how long I keep at this.

09 November 2010

THE LITTLE THINGS: Honey, I Shrunk the Kids (Joe Johnston, 1989)

I found this inside of my Honey, I Shrunk the Kids VHS case:

(Click for bigger.)


Do you think I can still join?!

For all my love of VHS, that least practical of currently available mediums, it does restrict my ability to screencap. So without the still-frame proof, some trivia I credits-gleaned: H,ISTK was filmed in freaking Mexico! Not on a studio lot; those badass backyard special effects (the house-bits were filmed in San Diego) were just too expensive (or dangerous?) for these United States.

Dude.

Gives a whole new re-thinking to the term "our backyard." And to my childhood. And white suburban comedies. Which Honey, I Shrunk the Kids very much is.

The film could very easily be criticized for its ethnic homogeneity -- though I guess Rick Moranis could be considered Jewish -- as the central two families are staunchly of the Caucasian, heterosexual, nuclear type, and no supporting actors (one of whom is Lucy from Twin Peaks!) come from any other cultural groups. Yet for (white) kids and parents in late 1980s suburbia -- I'm presuming the film's intended demographic -- this was a non-issue. This was pre-Rodney King, pre-Princess and the Frog; this was my childhood, and back then you didn't take your kids to the movies for a lessen about racial tolerance. Maybe an intimation that jocks and geeks should just all get along would slip in, but we're stretching even at that.

Troubling demographic concerns aside, Honey, I Shrunk the Kids really works for the kind of movie that it is. It's actually better than I remember it being the last time I watched it (sometime in pre-teenhood). It's very funny, and the characters are relatively stock, but they're believable and heart-warming. This is probably attributable to the screenwriting presence of Tom Schulman (What About Bob?, Dead Poet's Society), whose oeuvre I haven't seen much of, but considering the rest of the creative crew, seems the only person this legitimate good quality can be pegged on. And I enjoy Schulman's writing, but oh man, those special effects! Late 80s/early 90s were the top of the pops for puppets and mechanical creatures. I love animation, but I am not a fan of its attempts to fill in for the real -- CGI, you are the pretentious, asshole cousin of animatronics. I am so jealous of the child actors and the Mexican crew for getting to be on that set and to interact with all those props. Because isn't that every kid's dream? To be not just small in people-terms (small in a way that gets you ignored and lacking of rights), but tiny, microscopic, Lilliputian tiny; to have an ant as a horse and a dewy blade of grass as a waterslide; to dive for sunken treasure in a fishtank; to use a spool of thread for a table and a thimble for a sieve; to worry about battling spiders but not about money or schoolwork or any of those concerns of the adult universe. Honey, I Shrunk the Kids visualizes that dream so fantastically that it can be pardoned for the goofiness of its plot (electronics magically work better if you smash them with baseballs?) and the sappiness of its requisite romance (the back of a Lego is my favorite place to make out, too) and the disturbingly frequent appearance of misogynistic comments in its dialogue. I don't really care that this movie does not accurately represent the scary reality of our modern world, because the world it creates is one I so wish I could be a part of.

Also, Rick Moranis is in it.

06 November 2010

THE LITTLE THINGS: Knocked Up (Judd Apatow, 2007)



I just thought it was funny to think about Getty Images having stock footage of egg cells dividing. This leads to so many questions...

Whose - or what's - egg was it? Did that zygote grow up to be something that got a chance for its own egg cells to divide? Who filmed this? Who would agree to let this be filmed? How did Getty Images go about acquiring this footage? What would be written on the invoice? How much did Judd pay to use this footage? Yeah, uh, answered that question myself and it's around, let's say, $2,800. You decide whether it was worth it for any of the parties involved. (Hint: it was for Getty Images.) Please shut up, brain.

31 October 2010

THE WRONG THINGS: Ghostbusters (Ivan Reitman, 1984)

Often, while watching movies or teevee, instead of paying attention to important things like the storyline or character development or editing patterns or soundtrack choices, or even looking at distracting little background details, I find myself fixating on the wrong things, namely, the costuming. This doesn't happen a lot during contemporary productions -- especially network dramedies, not that I've watched many of those* -- which regularly seem to assume the role of "fashion" show more than anything, but instead during non-period, older films, set during the time during which they were made. Like Ghostbusters.


The modifier in "sexy librarian" is just redundant.

Man, I love how people dressed in the late seventies and early eighties.

But sadly, at this time, I don't have the money or means** with which to acquire such outfits. So I'll just post screencaps of them instead.







There weren't many opportunities for good frame grabs, but Bill Murray, when not suited up, was really rocking that plaid shirt/woolly vest look. Worked for Janine, too, but the hipsters have already claimed her giant glasses, so I'm not even going to try for a Melnitz and instead, in that future dreamland in which my disposable income reaches the double digits, put my energy into pursuing my own Dr. Vestman look. You see what I did there?


*I was in seventh grade! You're allowed to like The OC and Gilmore Girls when you're thirteen! And I only bought the DVD boxsets because of nostalgia, not because I secretly still have a crush on young Adam Brody or anything. That would be ridiculous.
**Ebay/time machine (go back to 1979, and buy that vintage shit when it was new! -- and don't worry, I've already started collecting old school dollar bills)

28 October 2010

THE LITTLE THINGS: Bored to Death, S02E02



I like it that on Bored to Death, little written things appear to be the products of actual time and talent (please see: the opening credits), unlike the stock "newspaper stories," et cetera that you'll see on a lot of shows (the headline will be plot-relevant, but the bit of article shown will be some bland, generic sentences about a bank robbery or something -- the next time I come across one of these I'll screencap it instead of just sighing with disappointment).

Also apparently this story was written by my grandpa. Great job, Gramps, but remember to work on your word choice.

27 October 2010

THE LITTLE THINGS: Friends, S07E19



YES, HORNBERGER!

I watched this episode entirely only for the young Scott Adsit appearance. I wanted to see how bald he was. And I want to marry him. Please don't judge me.

REVIEW: United 93 -- like the LOST pilot, if it were composed entirely of unbearably tedious Jack and Kate scenes

I wrote this for a class, but then decided, hey! I wrote it! It's kind of short! It's kind of more an analysis than a review, but might as well post it here, too!

I've also added pictures.


Samuel Weber, in his article War, Terrorism, and Spectacle, writes that after the fall of the Twin Towers, US citizens had to be urged to "start spending again," to "get back to consuming," and in many ways this economic reinvigoration has emerged as a consumption of the tragedy itself. United 93 (Paul Greengrass, 2006) is one such consumer product. The film tells the story of United Flight 93, the fourth plane hijacked on September 11th, 2001, and the only one in which passengers were able to overpower the terrorists, and crash the plane far from the intended target.


Feel free to judge the entire film based on this one image.

United 93 is imbued with "authenticity"; it is "a terse realistic depiction of ordinary people in extraordinary circumstances" (Žižek). In Slavoj Žižek's response to the film, he describes it as trying to be "as anti-Hollywood as possible": there are "no special effects, no grandiloquent heroic gestures" and "no glamorous stars" (except the post-2006 breakouts Olivia Thirlby (Juno, The Wackness, Bored to Death) and Cheyenne "Shy Action" Jackson (30 Rock)). The cinematography consists mainly of shaky hand-held camera-work. The set designers explicitly strived to capture the "feel" of 2001, with characters' hand-held technology as the prime indicator—doomed passengers tell their families they love them on old clamshell mobiles and airphones; a girl listens to a CD player; a woman comments on a fellow passenger's boxy laptop—"Is that the latest model?" Locations are captioned ("Northeast Air Defense Command Center, Rome, New York") as though they really are the places for which they are standing in. When the hijackings do finally occur, observers meet them less with panic than disbelief. Those reporting the hijacks have to repeatedly quell incredulity and questions of "Is this a sim?" with affirmations that no, "This is real world." These skeptical characters ask questions the audience would, so as characters are reassured, so, too, are viewers, of United 93's realism.


Shy Anne ain't shy on talent.

Žižek writes that this "avoiding of sensationalism," and "sober and restrained style"—this "touch of authenticity" should make viewers suspicious, as to "what ideological purposes it serves." But even more so, this meticulous authenticity and choice to present the movie as in "real-time"(a minute of screen-time is a minute of the viewer's time; no fades or ellipses) just makes the film boring. Whereas in a movie concerning fictional events, long stretches of mundanity could provide tension for what is to come, in United 93, even the least news-houndish of viewers already know what is going to happen. Greengrass's little attempts at foreshadowing—choosing to show an interminably long emergency exit demonstration instead of utilizing the only truncating editing device available (cutting to the just-as-dull military and airline control rooms)—and his efforts at creating tension, with furtive looks exchanged between the soon-to-be-terrorists, are rendered futile. These hijackers are presented not as a part of some incomprehensibly large and shady terrorist organization, but as "desperate and deranged individuals" (Weber), the violence they commit becoming a private matter. Thus as the terrorists are the only well-defined and therefore identifiable characters, the viewer comes to root for them, if just so that something will happen. This seems the reverse of the intended effect of any so patriotic a film, but could possibly be deliberate, so as to make the viewer feel ashamed of such thoughts, and therefore guilt-trip them into higher degrees of nationalism. But Greengrass, director of two of the Bourne films, does not merit the assumption of such subtle emotional prowess.


We may hate A-rabs, but we ain't no fuckin' racists.

Instead, as Weber writes, this seemingly-authentic spectacle allows the viewers to "identify with the ostensibly invulnerable perspective of the camera." The unavoidable, unanswerable question of who is filming these presented-as-real events only augments the camera's invincible position. Unlike television news media, in which subjects are very aware of the camera's existence within their space, United 93 is presented as though there is no one there filming it, and the viewer is voyeuristically watching these events occur right as they happen. The spectacle, and thus the spectator, is "at once here and elsewhere" (Weber). Elsewhere on United 93 as it is hijacked, but simultaneously here, in a theatre seat, safe to go home once the credits role, without the fatal ends of the actual passengers (there were no survivors, as told by a title card). The spectator thus feels triumphant, immortal. They have gone back in time and taken part in destroying these terrorists, and due to the obsessive degree of realism, they feel as though they know how this really happened (though in reality, there are no survivors to corroborate Greengrass's version of the events), and thus feel that they could easily deal with a hijacking themselves. This terrorism does not seem so unexpected anymore. All someone needs to quash it is enough confident, middle-class white male patriots to figure out a plan; just some hot water, knives, and forks—the available supplies on an everyday commercial flight.


Even extreme realism can't stand in for the truth. Thanks, credits!

Žižek asserts that with United 93, this disaster "turned into a kind of triumph" sustains the United State's need for "major catastrophe in order to resuscitate the spirit of communal solidarity." But even more so, this film (perhaps groundlessly) reestablishes that superior feeling destroyed when the Twin Towers were; that American idea that "it can't happen here." United 93 provides the United States with a post-9/11 update of that wholesome, very American mantra: "It can happen here, but we now know how to deal with it." A sign shown in the opening scenes of the film reads, "God bless America." And God bless America indeed, for with the false sense of security perpetuated by such cultural products as United 93, if ever a very real, non-privatized terror strikes, we are going to need all the benedictions we can get.



Notes:
-I realize the whole "privatized" terrorism argument is not very well developed, but if you'd read the articles we had to read, it kind of would be.
-Before accusing me of being heartless, I actually did tear up during the bit when people were calling their families. Though I did laugh when Shy Anne was all, "You believe me, don't you, Mom?"
-I've never seen the Bourne films but I'm assuming they're not "imbued" with much emotional depth. Matt Damon's been funny in 30 Rock, though, so I guess that's good, right?
-I also stopped watching LOST mid-way through season two, when they killed everybody I liked, so maybe new, even less bearable characters are introduced and I should give Kack some slack. But since I couldn't even get through the first couple of seasons even with the promise of Jeremy Davies come season five, I'm not sure even J.J. Abrams could come up with something so torturous.
-Then again, I've watched both Alias and Felicity… young Jeffrey Jacob really does have a talent for making his viewers want to stab out their corneas.
-Dude, but in LOST that one guy had a gun! So they could have just shot the terr'rists. But also they were flying from Australia, and even the smallest, least-notorious terrorist organizations are not that desperate.
-Also, the terr'rists were the only vaguely attractive actors in U93, so maybe I was a bit biased in my response.

Articles:
Slavoj Žižek, Five Years After: the Fire in the Minds of Men
Samuel Weber, War, terrorism, and spectacle: On Towers and Caves

24 October 2010

terrible jokes

My submission to The Coll-egg-tible Eggers Family*:



*I couldn't find an actual website for it, so I'm posting a link to this person's blog post cos I thought it was funny. Does the lack of egg-ternet pr-egg-ence s-egg-gest that the world has been ridden of the Eggers for egg-ver? This both fills me with egg-zuberance and makes me a bit l-egg-chrymose, that future g-egg-nerations will have egg-ceedingly less ovum pun-filled egg-sistences. I do r-egg-ret that last sentence.

Also, why is this on the first page of google image results when searching for "egg"??

18 October 2010

THINGS I'VE DONE: I Done Stood Up

I decided, eh, might as well just post this every place possible on the internet.



Comedy done uncomfortably, at the Works in Progress Festival 2010.

Props to not-my-sister Chelsea for the fine video-work.

http://wipfestival.tumblr.com/

16 October 2010

THE LITTLE THINGS: Gentlemen Broncos (Jared Hess, 2009)

This movie is okay. It derails into silliness and predictable jokes sometimes, but other times is infused with a brilliant, very enjoyable absurdity. It's about a kid whose sci-fi story is stolen by a well-known sci-fi novelist. Frustrating, though, is the fact the Hesses -- who with Napoleon Dynamite show they clearly understand how little others are interested in the concerns of society's rejects -- did not exploit the joke or acknowledge the reality that no one outside of a very small community would care about whether a science fiction writer has plagiarized. So much opportunity for hilarity, wasted!

Yeah, but recently in conversation I referenced this detail in the end credits, so I've decided it probably needs to exist somewhere on the interwebs:



Very reassuring, AHA.

like a webcomic, but filled with regrets

12 October 2010

Dear Creepy Middle-to-Old-Aged Man Who Lives in the Apartment Next Door to Me,

I know the mailboxes for our complex are on the wall right outside of my window. I know this because I sometimes like to check my mail, too! Then I take it inside of my apartment and read it.

I also know that you're old, and you need your rest, and that it must be hard for you to deal with the physical pain of moving from place-to-place (goddman joints! tell me about it!). Thus, I'm sure that the lawn chair that for some reason is sitting between my front door and our mailboxes must seem pretty appealing.

But seriously, the front door to your apartment is, like, five feet away. And I didn't buy that chair or put it there, but I'm pretty sure the patch of grass it's on is technically part of my rental agreement. And I might want to go outside and do something on that patch of grass, or perhaps something inside my apartment that makes some noise, but my window's open and you're sitting right next to it sorting through your junk mail! Seriously -- five fucking feet! Please, just hobble that marathon distance for me. Then you can lie down and have a nap.


Sincerely,

Erin

11 October 2010

like a webcomic, if webcomics were boning up on their psychoanalytic theory

So something kind of strange happened to me today.

First off, lemme just say that I am not the kind of person who gets "hit on."

I mean, I've had my creepy-old-man-gaze encounters, sure, but I'm probably the only living example proving that you can have been in a romantic relationship without having ever been lured with a pick-up. And I mean, I get it. I don't tend to generate "come over and lay on the charm" vibes. I'm off-putting. I probably scowl. The closest I've come to being hit on is when I actually had a boyfriend and he went to the bathroom during a show and some guy started talking to me. Maybe I should get a boyfriend more often and then more guys at shows will talk to me. But I digress.

I had a midterm today, so I'd rushed out of my apartment and just thrown on a comfy grandma-style Christmas sweater cos, y'know, if you've got a midterm then what the hell, and also I like this sweater (note: my friend and ex-boif gave it to me; does that mean I can't wear it anymore?). I'd put my hair into a sloppy pony-tail and it was doing that wonderful thing it does where it's incredibly messy and sticks up all around the part with these weird short little hairs that never seem to grow out. Also, I had some stress-acne that I'd only vaguely attempted to cover-up. And one of my eyes was all itchy and red. So, y'know, epitome of gorgeousness.



(Ran out of room for shoes.)

Except apparently, yes.

So I got on the bus, got off "downtown," had seven minutes until class but it only took three to walk from there, and as getting to class early would just entail talking to classmates and not studying, I decided to sit at the bus stop for a minute and finish attempting to cram into my brain Freud's theories about desire and mom boobs and et cetera.

There are these people who hang around the bus stops by the "mall" in Iowa City. They're not the homeless people who frequent the "ped mall," but they're just as scary, possibly more so cos I don't think any of them are homeless and yet they all still have the audacity to ask you for bus fare. And, I don't want to sound racist -- though as I scowl-faced type this, I should probably just accept that I am who I am -- but they're (mostly?) all black. I only mention this because I am the whitest fucking kid I know, and though I've found myself romantically drawn to my own share of brown-skinned men, the creepy-gaze demographics have indicated there's never been a case of this being reciprocal.

So I was hunched over on a bus-stop bench, rapidly scanning notes about death and sex drives, my itchy red eye twitching furiously, my anxiety levels only deepening my off-putting frown.



"Axescuse me, can I have some change for the bus?"

I barely looked up.

"I'm sorry, I don't have any money..."

I think maybe I attempted a smile, because my sister told me that you should smile at homeless people because it shows empathy. I assume that this also implies that they will be less likely to stab you and sell your organs to an unfortunate dog lover.

I went back to my skimming.

Lacan... no desire can be understood/fulfilled... desire always desire for another's desire; to be desired...

"I can help you with you homework."

Obstacles... can't have obstacles without desire...

I looked up again. The guy had walked a few feet away but was still standing there, staring at me in his yellow t-shirt.

I tried my hardest at curling up those mouth-edges.

"Oh, uh, ha ha, I have a midterm and I'm just studying..."

"What's yo name?"

"Uh, Erin."

(Sometimes, I'm confused as to my seeming inability to gauge when it would be advantageous to lie.)

He said his name, I was busy thinking about Deleuze and didn't commit it to memory, we shook hands.

Can't have desire without obstacles... obstacle must come before desire; don't know desire without obstacle...

"Can I see you again?"

What?

My scowl widened to a gape.

"Do you want my number, so I can see you again?"

I hurriedly shuffled together my notes, stumbled up off the bench.

"Uh... I have to..."

"That's okay, just if you want my number..."

"Uh... midterm..."

And, dazed and confused, I fast-walked the hell off to class.

I nowhere near aced my mid-term (you don't tell your class the test's gonna be multiple choice and then make it short answer, come on!), but my cursory cramming did teach me one thing: there's a guy in a yellow t-shirt by the mall in Iowa City who apparently keeps his desires in the form of grandma sweaters, acne, and scowls. Unfortunately for him, that little bundle of goodness happens to come with the obstacle of my personality.

06 October 2010

MIDTERMS & ESSAYS

and the obligatory .gif of me getting punched in the face:

27 September 2010

IT MUST HAVE HAPPENED: the Weeds writers' room, post season three

Note: this can only possibly be funny if you watch Weeds. Also, y'know: spoilerzzzz!


"Okay guys, so... last season we kind of killed off all of Nancy's competition, and then burned down Agrestic. Any ideas?"
"Well..."
"Uh..."
"Let's have Doug get his dick slammed in a drawer!"
"Yeah!"
"Yeah! ...That is funny, right?"
"Of course it is! It's his dick!"
"I dunno, guys."
"What's there not to get?"
"I just don't know how that kind of joke would slip into the cadence of the show. It's not a racist comment thinly veiled behind the fact that an ignorant character is saying it, and it's not Nancy having sex. I just can't imagine what kind of scene that would fit in."
"Well... remember in season one when Lupita makes that coffee table joke?"
"...Yeah."
"Well..."
"...Symbolism?"
"Bingo!"
"We've also definitely got to get Nancy being raped by a Mexican drug lord in there."
"Oh, for sure."
"I'm just glad that we were able to write out those black people. That dialogue was such a fucking chore. I got so tired of watching The Wire for research."
"Mexican's so much easier because we can just subtitle some Spanish shit and hope the grammatical inconsistencies come off as intentional."
"¡Sí,es muy bien!"
"The rape, though, guys? I love it, but it still seems a little bit extreme, even for the Showtime -- I mean, we're not HBO -- we love the sex, but we gotta have that consent! So let's have her get pregnant and move in with Mexy and have them suddenly 'be in love.' That ought to cover any viewer outrage."
"But we've still definitely got to have that rape."
"Oh, of course."
"And Shane should probably jerk off to naked pictures of Nancy he keeps in a..."
"...SAMMY DAVIS JR. BIOGRAPHY!"
"Yes!"
"And Silas should fuck a young mom who owns a..."
"...Yoga studio?"
"Well, they are liberal whites, but I dunno..."
"...Surf shop?"
"It is California, but..."
"Cheese store?"
"Boo-ya!"
"Perfect!"
"Mmmm, I could go for some Wensleydale right now."
"It's really not fair that Silas should be the only son having sex. I mean, what, Shane is like, twelve, thirteen by now?"
"How can we top the Chinese massage parlor handjob, though?"
"Dude, that was awesome."
"Writer high five!"
"Uh, guys, three words: gothic three-way."
"Yeah, baby!"
"We still got it!"
"Can we have someone shoot a bird somewhere?"
"Hell yes we can!"
"Good. I fucking hate birds."
"What about Dean?
"Didn't he move to Detroit or something?"
"Ah, semantics."
"Guys, guys: blackface."
"...A necessity in any comedy-drama."
"Let's also for sure throw Quinn in there somewhere."
"Who's Quinn?"
"And Celia should probably develop Downs Syndrome or a drug addiction or go to jail or get kidnapped or start selling cosmetics or something. Y'know, something for her to do since everyone hates her and it kind of makes no sense for her to be with them since they all kind of treat her like shit and she probably got some insurance money from the Agrestic fire and could have moved to Cabo or something by now."
"...Spin-off?"
"Celia? She's the dyke, right?"
"No, that's her daughter... but we could make her a dyke."
"Guys! You know what we really need?"
"What?"
"Alannis Morissette."
"Fuck yes."
"I don't know if she can play Mexican, so..."
"Bank teller?"
"High school English teacher?"
"Abortionist?"
"I can taste the Emmys!"
"We should throw Andy in there somewhere, too. For comedy or whatever."
"Let's have him get some money by fucking some lady who makes him pretend he's his dead brother and then buy a bunch of useless shit and gain a lot of weight and grow a unibomber beard."
"It's like you read my mind."
"I dunno, I love it, but the beard? Andy's no murderer."
"Oh, that's Shane, obviously."
"Obviously."
"We should have him kill some more animals first, though, so that people will remember that cougar thing we did."
"I fucking hate cougars."
"When he does kill, would he still be prosecuted, being a minor and all?"
"Shit, someone check Wikipedia."
"Well, does he commit the murder in California, or in Mexico? I feel like if it's in Mexico, we can get away with a lot more blood. Maybe some peeling off of skin. Those kinds of scenes."
"Will there have to be more speaking in Spanish? I'm really tired of using Google Translate."
"Can we get an intern to do that?"
"Fuck it, let's just move them to Seattle."

25 September 2010

READ THIS: David Boring (Daniel Clowes, 2000)



The above frame, one of my favorite from Daniel Clowes' David Boring, sums up very nicely the tone of the piece. The eponymous David Boring is very much alone in this life, as he deals with sexual frustration and the end of the world, and seeks both his father and the perfect girl.

With David Boring, Daniel Clowes utilizes the graphic novel at its best: not as a novel illustrated with pictures, or as pictures captioned with words, but a story told both in writing and drawing, the narrative not complete if either element were missing. It's also quite good -- touching, funny, at times even suspenseful -- and you should probably get on reading it right now.

22 September 2010

THAT'S WHAT HE SAID: Jonathan Ames, as interviewed by The A.V. Club

AVC: Why do you think so many people have become obsessed with vampires lately?

JA: I don’t know. There must be some witty one-line answer. I guess immortality is always appealing. They’re usually very good-looking and given all sorts of powers, and they’re sexy. I don’t know. It’s a combination of being immortal and sexy. I’d like to be immortal and sexy, so I’m into vampires. In True Blood, I also like the characters that turn into dogs. I would like to turn into a dog.




So would I, Jonathan Ames, so would I. Read the rest of the interview here and watch Bored to Death when the second season premieres on September 26th. Yee-haw!

like a webcomic, but with less of the comic part

So the other day I went to the grocery store.

Not speaking to (and thus having to avoid all eye-contact with) the checker is somehow actually more painful than engaging in small talk, so I usually try to disperse a little of the uncomfortableness by going ahead and asking them how their day has been going. This checker answered like they usually do:

"Oh, good. What about you?"
"Fine."
"Just fine?"
"Yeah, fine."

BEEP BEEP, she scanned some shit. Things were going pretty good, the conversation dragging along at a fairly normal pace. It was hardly even awkward. Then she scanned my cabbage.

"Cabbage?"

And I, having been vaguely daydreaming about this checker-customer relationship blossoming into a beautiful little friendship, replete with Secret Santa gift exchanges and trips to the waterpark, misinterpreted the degree of playfulness in our conversation.

"Yeah, I like cabbage, okay," I replied, my tone appending such angst-ridden, semi-sarcastic annotations as: you gotta problem with that? and it's not a crime, man.

The checker just stared.


"Oh... no, I just can't tell the difference between cabbage and lettuce. I wasn't making fun of your cabbage."
"Oh, uh..."
"It's hard to tell."
"Oh, uh, yeah. If you eat a lot of cabbage you start to be able to tell. Cabbage and lettuce are actually really not that similar looking."

BEEP.

"I mean they are, but... cabbage is, uh, green."

BEEP.

"And, uh, less lettuce-y."

BEEP. BEEP.

"It's pretty great, cabbage. Cabbage is kind of awesome. It's one of my favorite foods. You should really eat it more often. I heard it's on sale or something."
"That'll be $21.52, Ma'am."

21 September 2010

like a webcomic, but colored with crayons

like a webcomic, but one panel long and very big on text



I don't know how to draw legs.

(You can see the original here, ideal for those who love trying to decipher delightfully illegible chirography.)

20 September 2010

REVIEW: How I Met Your Mother, S06E01

The first episode of the sixth season of How I Met Your Mother perfectly sums up the boring predictability of the last two seasons (end already!). It takes place almost entirely in one scene at the bar, in one booth, with some lackluster "riddles" that Barney tells as the "highlights," joke-wise.

Basically:

Barney bemoans summer's end, then oggles some girls again.

Robin looks gross eating cheetos, then "hot," titillating Barney's wein-o.

Ted does not meet the mother.

Lily and Marshall love each other... awwwwwww.



(How I miss the Proclaimers references!)